Breaking. Moulding. Shaping.
Wow, it really has been a long time since I got to put my thoughts down into words. I've been putting more words on paper for submission more than I've had time to get my own thoughts in order. But I need to put this down, because I don't want to forget.
Life hasn't been quite the best, but that's life being.. life. In just the past 3 days, my inner life has been pretty much flipped upside down. Not that I liked it, but today, I realised how necessary it was for God to do so.
Day 1: I lost my lower retainer in an unfortunate accident (which I shall not recount), which will cost me another SG$100/+ to replace. And I think those who know me well enough should know that I'm a meticulous, hate-losing-things kinda girl. So yes, I was terribly upset and sore about it. I kept thinking to myself, "Of all things, why'd you have to lose something so expensive?"
Day 2: It probably didn't show but I struggled through service. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about how it all happened and how I was so focused on the problem. I was frustrated, with me. I couldn't cry, I couldn't be joyful - I was pretty much stuck. Well, I stayed up that night to finish my assignment, met with 2 problems which frustrated me even more, causing me to get to bed only at 5.30am. At this point, I was pushing my way through, I really was. I was striving and surviving on my own physical strength.
Day 3: Today, I realised how God was using my circumstances to show me just how weak I am - That I couldn't live a day without Him. It was no coincidence that the sermon for this week was titled "Breaking Before Breakthrough". And today, I cried. I cried because I couldn't believe how God could still love someone who strived so hard for herself, by herself.
I was ashamed, because the one thing I was so convicted of was the one thing I had forgotten. The phrase"Strength in Weakness" is my constant reminder that I'm inadequate. I am not enough, for me. I never will be. My breaking process started on Friday and I'm sure it's not ending yet. The dawn will come, and God is answering my bold prayers. I sure am thankful.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Day 1: I lost my lower retainer in an unfortunate accident (which I shall not recount), which will cost me another SG$100/+ to replace. And I think those who know me well enough should know that I'm a meticulous, hate-losing-things kinda girl. So yes, I was terribly upset and sore about it. I kept thinking to myself, "Of all things, why'd you have to lose something so expensive?"
Day 2: It probably didn't show but I struggled through service. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about how it all happened and how I was so focused on the problem. I was frustrated, with me. I couldn't cry, I couldn't be joyful - I was pretty much stuck. Well, I stayed up that night to finish my assignment, met with 2 problems which frustrated me even more, causing me to get to bed only at 5.30am. At this point, I was pushing my way through, I really was. I was striving and surviving on my own physical strength.
Day 3: Today, I realised how God was using my circumstances to show me just how weak I am - That I couldn't live a day without Him. It was no coincidence that the sermon for this week was titled "Breaking Before Breakthrough". And today, I cried. I cried because I couldn't believe how God could still love someone who strived so hard for herself, by herself.
I was ashamed, because the one thing I was so convicted of was the one thing I had forgotten. The phrase"Strength in Weakness" is my constant reminder that I'm inadequate. I am not enough, for me. I never will be. My breaking process started on Friday and I'm sure it's not ending yet. The dawn will come, and God is answering my bold prayers. I sure am thankful.
He is my strength. And I don't have to be perfect. Because it is in my weakness that His strength can be shown perfect.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
This is me, coming to the end of me. It's Your turn to take over, God.
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